Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Stingy Jack...

was a blacksmith. He was also a crotchety old drunk who loved playing tricks and being decietful at every turn. Everyday on his way to the forge, he'd steal a turnip or two from the local vendor's cart. At work he often fooled squires with wooden swords when they came to get a knight's new blade. He even enjoyed scaring the life out of his own, poorly mother.

Then one Halloween, at the local pub, jack saw him. Satan himself, cloved hooves and all, he sat down and had a pipe while they chatted about tricks and jokes and other devilish mischief, when Jack had a brilliant idea. Not liking much to give up his hard earned pay, and being the clever fellow he was, he told Lucifer, "Say there chum, whats say ye be payin fer me pints?" Satan replied "Not unless you've got something to give me in trade." Jack stated "Well then.... How's about me soul?" Satan, thrown about, immediately accepted. He turned himself into a sixpence so jack could pay for the ale. But instead of giving the coin to the barkeep, he thrust it immediately into his pocket, where he had a silver cross he had stolen from a customer earlier that day.

Satan, in the presence of the holy cross, could not change back. And being a coin, he couldn't go anywhere. Completely stuck, he cried out "WHAT IS THIS? LET ME GO!!" Jack, using the advantage he created said "Alrigty then! BUT, under one condition" Satan plead "Anything! Just name it!" "I don't want to be dien' for another TEN years!" Satan, knowing things could be worse, accepted. Jack removed him from his pocket and he changed back. Jack dashed away into the night, without paying for his drinks either. But satan was a man of his word, and he kept Jack's actions in mind.

Jack went on living the same life he was living, tricking his fellow villagers, startling his mother senseless, and stealing turnips from the same vendor day after day. Ten years passed, and Jack remembered his deal with the devil. He started carrying around several crosses, just in case. Then Satan came to him on his way home from the village.

"Greetings Jack! You've not forgotten of our deal have you?" Jack tried to play dumb "Oh, what was be it then?" "I know those lies! Come with me, you're time is up and you're going to Hell!" Jack, thinking quickly and remembering his satchelful of holy icons said "Aye, so be it. You wouldn't mind gettin' me an apple from that theer tree for the trip duwn then?" pointing to his neighbor's tree across the way "I'm hungry sumthin narshtey!" Satan, figureing he'd just get an apple down from the tree and be on his way with Jack's soul. But as soon as he neared the boughs, there were crosses scattered all around the trunk of the tree, courtesy of Jack.

"I'm no fool to this trickery!" Satan bellowed "what you want, you'll have... soon as you promise to let me down!" Jack knew he lead a terrible life, and his sults and tight-fisted behaviour would certainly land him in the firey pits so he said "Thats what I be thinkin! see here, I don't ever want to go to hell. Understand?" Satan had no choice to agree, and begrudgingly accepted Jack's offer. Having made a second deal with the Prince of Evil himself, Jack trod home happily knowing that he'd never go to Hell.

Four years passed, and so did Jack. He enjoyed his sport until the night he passed. However he was suprised when he reached Saint Peter at the gates. "ahh, Jack. Stingy Jack amongst those who know your trickery. That trickery and mean spiritedness is not accepted in heaven, I'm afraid" And he was booted down to Hell. But, when he was greeted angrily by Satan, he was in for worse news. "STINGY Jack, you know the deal we made, and I'm not going to let you in Hell." "But won't ye?!" Jack begged "I've too dark a soul fer heaven! Where else am I supposed te go?"
"BACK THE WAY YOU CAME!" Satan said angrily. The way back was pitch black, and the winds blew a terrible icy cold. "Can't I atleast have a lantern to light the way??" And so Satan cast him one of the firey embers that he had meant for Jack ever since he stuck Satan in his pocket. He hollowed out a turnip and placed the ember it in, as a makeshift latern. His way through purgatory is dimly lit with Hell's own flames. Now you know the story of Jack of the Lantern.

Wednesday, October 24, 2007


i've only got ONE F now, so that means i get to do whatever the fuck i want.... oh, and i'm not grounded no more, either. BITCH YEAH!!!

Sunday, October 21, 2007

ok kids....

TWENTY cool points to anyone who can correctly identify why today is so important. Two guess maximum, lets get at it.

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Career Day

"Hello children, I'm Mr. E, and I'm a vagabond"

"Whats a faggabahd do???"

"Good question you little prick! A VAGABOND is someone who wanders around aimlessly and who has no home"

"Howjoo becum a vaggabutt??"

"Its easy you shitstain! You don't have to do anything at all, if your parents aren't really cool with you or you have no friends then you're really prepared for the job"

"You smell funny!"

"Hey, FUCK YOU!!"


"Bite my left one, you cunt"

"yeah cunt!"

"heheheh, good one kiddo, I'll see you on the streets in a few years"

Sunday, October 14, 2007

you are a failure

is having bad grades some sort of terrible sin? apparently, because it made my mother cry when i said i didn't care that i was failing. then she wanted me to take the medication that i've been living fine without for three or four months now. either way, i'm going to hell.

Thursday, October 11, 2007

what the hell??

"did you fuck my wife?"

"what the hell??!"

"did you fuck my wife?"

"what the fuck are you talking about?!?"

Can someone help me out here?
Do i look like the a-typical wife-fucker?
Do i look like a wife-fucker at all!??

Friday, October 5, 2007



...imagine the possibilities...

Tuesday, October 2, 2007


Nobody wants to argue with me anymore. There aren't even that many people who I can fight with that won't get teary eyed or walk away. I also got this sickly purple and green bruise on the inside of my knee trying to do a fingerflip. At first i fell on the ground and thought that my knee was broken, but everythings fine I just can't walk. (so nothing is really fine)