Friday, January 25, 2008

who else thinks that wintertime is too long?

School Blows. This statement is unchallenged and rightfully so, because its the earnest truth. If someone could clarify for my parents that you do not NEED a college education to survive in the world that would be awesome. Plus I think my parents expect me to suck at everything. My mom thinks that I could make more money being a skate photog than an actual skater...

Sunday, January 20, 2008

Guitar Hero....

is much less gay when you can switch it up because play left handed.

Thursday, January 17, 2008

night terrors revisited

Now I'm having the most fucked up of them all. I keep waking up a few minutes before my alarm goes off. I'm drenched in sweat, and i have the strangest sensation that someone else is in my bed with me....

Wednesday, January 16, 2008


Here is the second, less funny commercial.

Sunday, January 13, 2008

Jedi Ginsu Knife

The population of this country is 300 million.

160 million are retired.

That leaves 140 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school.

Which leaves 55 million to do the work.

Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal government.

Leaving 15 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the armed forces.

Which leaves 12.2 million to do the work.

Take from that total the 10.8 million people who work for state and city Governments.

And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.

Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me.

And there you are,

Sitting on your ass, at your computer, reading this.

(even though this doesn't consider the fact that half of highschool kids work, its still pretty alarming to think that over HALF of the country is retired.... Perhaps we should start killing people when they turn 60)

Wednesday, January 9, 2008

Survey says

Everybody knows who I am, whether that be from sheer awesomeness or infamy (like there's a difference) I get waved at, honked at, and holla'd at by atleast ten people a day. Half of them I barely know, but they know me. I suppose this is what its like to have a reputation. Perhaps I've even got some Hero Points?

Thursday, January 3, 2008

Raymond K Hessel

Apparently I would make a good writer. That is, according to my "FANS" Either way, its time to put YOUR money where MY skill is. Lets hope you made a wise investment.

The Story of Robert and Colleen

Robert didn't go out looking for love that night. He just wanted to get off. It had been months since he got any. His wife was always busy doing wifey things like cooking and cleaning and taking their two kids to ballet or soccer or whatever the fuck their kids did. Robert didn't much care, his manly instincts were to provide for his family. He wouldn't have known if his son Tommy was a heroine addict, as father son bonding wasn't his forte. But whatever his son was into, Robert was supporting his habits.

As it were, Robert still hadn't screwed in a long long time. So he drove down into the heart of the city to find himself a nice fuck. He got to where all the nicer girls worked, and although he admired them, the fifty bills in his pocket wouldn't get any of them to take their dresses off and even look sexy. So he kept on driving his Seville down to the grungier parts of town.

Thats when he saw her. She was leaning against the wall half-dead like she had just finished a marathon. Her curly brown hair was slightly mangled, and her blue gown was tattered and starting to tear a gash just big enough to get a peek at her snatch. She was smoking a cigarette and through the billows of smoke Robert could see what looked like a black eye.

Her raunchy appearance isn't what caught his attention, though. What really got him was how much she reminded him of his wife, Carrie. The resemblence was almost striking. Robert didn't give it a second thought and wistled to her. Her stilettos gave her an interesting gait. It almost reminded him of the first date he had taken Carrie out on. Her swagger was so attractive he couldn't help but fall for her. Except this time it was with a hooker rather than his 16 year old wife.

She made it up to the car and Robert rolled down the window.
"Hey big guy. What are you looking for?" she said in a half hoarse voice
"The whole deal" Robert said trying to act suave "How much?"
"fifty bones" she rasped
"Hop in"

Rob decided that he would drive her to a secluded little spot under the bridge. It was where he and Carrie had fist made love so many years ago. It wasn't too far out of the way and it only seemed right because she reminded him of Carrie so much. Along the way he tried to make some small talk.
"So whats your name?"
"How long have you been in this profession?"
"About ten or eleven years"
"How'd you get into it?"
Robert stopped caring about what she was saying. The third question in he noticed her nipple was hanging out of the dress that was two sizes too small. She was telling this terrific story and all he picked out of it was "woke up after the overdose" and "kicked my ass" He was too busy staring at her tits.

Finally they arrived at the location. All Robert said was "This is it." as he got out of the car. She got out, probably expecting to see some ratty old matress that was covered with the blood of homeless man who had just been shanked. They stared into eachothers eyes. Perhaps they were going to kiss, but the loud crack of thunder interrupted their moment. Then he realized why they were there, and he lifted Colleen's little gown and plunked her on the hood of his Cadillac. He whipped his cock out and went to town. The rain had started to drizzle down lightly, but it didn't matter, they were safe and dry underneath the bridge. Robert proceeded to keep screwing the hell out of Colleen, when a strange odor caught his nostrils. He realized that he should've put a helmet on his soldier, considering he was going into an unknown battlefield. However, the desire to get his rocks off and drop a load in this rotten cunt was too overpowering. Another clap of thunder.
Then it happened.

Robert came, and as he let out a sigh he looked at Colleen. She looked back it him. They looked at eachother, and stared back into one anothers eyes. It was such a profound connection, and seemed to last an eternity. An eternity too long for Robert, he looked at the bruise around Colleen's eye, and let his fist fly towards her other eye to even them out.

Just as he had always done to his wife when she tried to get too close, Robert beat the hell out of Colleen. She reminded him of Carrie so much, especially the way she begged to him for mercy with blood articulating the spaces inbetween her teeth. This was different, though. Robert wasn't sated with simply beating her until she knew that he didn't want to be intimate. Perhaps it was his manly instincts, and perhaps it was that he had most likely contracted eight different STDS, or maybe it was that the idea of paying fifty dollars for sex was completely outrageous to the bastard cheapskate. No matter what it was, he flipped, and started strangling her on the hood of his car, and the rain tittered down softly around them.

Surreal. It was impossible to believe that he had just fucked some whore, then strangled her. He went ahead and had another go, while her body was still warm and whatnot. Then he rolled her corpse off his hood, and drove back home.

When he got back he sat down to the late dinner his wife had made for him.
"How was work?" she asked him so sweetly
"Fine" he grumbled same as he always did
"So what did they need to to stay late for?"
She went back out into the livingroom to watch spongebob with her kids. Robert continued to eat his meal in silence, festering in his own anger. Suddenly the phone rang. Carrie answered it, as always, just like Robert taught her a good little housewife should. She gasped, and asked seceral questions and then began crying as far as robert could tell. He didn't give two shits about it anyway. Then he could see that she was seriously upset, so he asked her "What's wrong?"
"My sister, the police found her dead"
"...You never said you had a sister!"
"She was a streetwalker, I was never proud of her for doing what she did"
".... where did they find her?"
"Under a bridge, the same one where we first had sex"

Robert just stared back at her blankly...